i can be E V I L and
i can be S W E E T i'm not just anybody i'm me...
Thursday, July 21, 2005
no one knows how i am feeling
seems like this is the only place i can throw my troubles to.. saddening.. i hate myself truely.. hate myself sooooo much.. i hate myself for losing the things i cherished... hate myself for faking a smile.. hate myself for not being able to let ppl know how i feel deep down.. everytime something happened.. i will choose to hide... hide away to one corner and cry.. when ppl come.. i will cry inside... with a forced smile... i am unable to be true.. to show my feelings... cos somehow.... i donno why.... the ppl round me just choose to see only the cheerful side of me.. or should i say i am forced to do so... everytime i surfaced my true emotions.... ppl leave me... ditching me away when i am most vulnerable... distant from me.. they won't lend out a helping hand.... the times when i need someone to hug... someone to talk to... no one is around for me to seek.... i am just left standing alone in my own darkness... so cold... so dark.... how i envy ppl who have help from ppl round them when they have fallen.. everyone simply just stretched out their hands.. with all their might to drag them back.. but as for me??? as i was falling... ppl still wan to use me as a stepping stone to get right back... making me fall deeper in... i find myself like a toy... when ppl are unhappy.. they will find me.. but for me?? i will never have the right to do so.. and i will have to smile always... cos as a toy.. my role is to make ppl happy.. so a slight saddness found in me will never ever be forgiven... i will be banished and condemned for that... i feel so horrible.. i can't be real.. i am just stucked.. stucked in a mould... a mould with a fixed smile.. forever.. i can only tear in me.. ppl will see no other emotion of me other than a smile.. my saddness, anger, tears...etc all this... will be hidden inside of me.. eternally... just as i have accepted this as part of myself... i have lost everything.... everything.. now the only way to catch a glimspe of the things i have lost.. is to jail myself in this cast... am trying hard to hold things back.. but i donno how long can i do it.. i am breaking down internally... breaking down.. someday.... i will never going to be me again...
"am now evolving into another phase... another stage of me..."
Make ur Choice:
friendly/mean
evil/sweet
caring/bully
dull/unique
hardworking/lazy
strong/weak
brave/coward
blessed/jinx
My Blessings:
#01 lovely HDB to stay in
#02 loving darl EMAN to accompany me
#03 a crazy freaky sister to bully
#04 my parents own a stall that sells good food. yum YUM!
#05 ex-bf that made my relationship interesting
#06 dear girls sticking by me through all times
#07 YUZHEN! u are such a dear
#08 CHINGHUI(ah bu) thanks for all the shopping and k-box trips
#09 my ah bu family who accompany through my sec sch days
#10 my looks are OKAY. not handicapped.
#11 not a genious but brain functioning properly
#12 health OKAY!!!
#13 not being filthy rich but have enough to feed me
#14 met good enough bosses??? at least that gary still not that freaking evil