...*___ i l l u s i o n s - i n c o r p o r a t e d __

Monday, August 22, 2005

mind made up

The Lord is the best lover and the best father, fu huang, one can ever have...

this was a sentence that touch my heart on sunday's service.. well.. have been thinking over somethings.. and yeah.. this sentence enabled me to make up my mind indeed... have finally decided to hold only The almighty Lord in my heart for the moment.. till the day.. the day when he decided to disclosed the perfect one for me... shall let him made the decisions for me from now on.. silly me.. being so bothered over wad bro bryan have said.. when things could have been much easier if i have been more sensitive to the Lord's way of response.. now it's time for me to face the music and clear up the mess i have created.. felt so sorry.. as i have actually wanted to go against the Lord... so guilty.. but nvm.. i am man.. and man do make mistakes.. so i will just cling on tightly to him.. so that i can be more perfect as time goes by.. heex.. =) i shall live on and up hold the glory of my Lord, my GOD, my saviour..

talking to zhen bout this made me think that.. it's such wonder how a believer and non-believer treat things.. for eg.. a simple wording or saying in a bookmark can be of such great importance and of such enlightenment to a believer.. whereas to a non-believer.. it's just plain dirt.. just a plain meaningless sentence.. this is kinda saddening.. well.. maybe indeed... i have changed.. unlike the just me and me.. now i have included an important someone in my life.. and it has caused changes.. all good ones i would say.. relationship between me and my parents improved.. my life became more smooth sailing.. things are just perfect now.. but from wad bro bryan have said.. The Lord have been very gracious to me... he have been always trying his very best to keep me away from danger.. but.. haha.. i will still sway off to the 'wrong' paths at times.. and i really thank Emperor Holy Spirit Buddy Buddy.. for reminding me and kept me away from something of a worst scenerio.. really thank u.. and i can safely say that i have never regretted accepting u my, Lord, into my life.. for u have made it more wonderful and more colourful..

haha.. okie la.. enough of my gratefulness to the Lord.. believe some of u cannot tahan me liao.. =P hmm.. didn't go sch today.. cos of a horrid nite i had yesterday.. wah.. donno wad i eat sala.. think i kana food poisoning.. keep feeling so sick.. and puke and poo.. eekss.. and that's how i spend my nite.. that's why today didn't go to sch.. sian.. today cannot miss liao de module but i still miss it le.. =S it's the 4th lesson i missed for it.. can u believe it?? one module can only skip 2 lessons.. but i missed 4!!! that is like.. omg.. argh.. but i don care le la.. my health more important.. the module just hope can scrape through can le la.. pray hard arh.. lol.. this month really make me so broke sia.. so many ppl bdae.. wth.. then must buy present and stuffs.. still must find time to celebrate for them.. damn.. almost sacrifice my whole month for them lei.. hai.. but who ask them to be my fren.. haha.. so nvm la.. just ren for this month.. things shall get better... =) hmmm.. the most troublesome are the present for the guys la.. sian.. lagger and sel's bdae on the same day.. donno wad to get for them.. then ask tat and jack.. the jack so basturd sia.. say don need to buy.. -_-" then the tat.. hmm.. at least he better la.. he say treat them eat.. then after that cos that jack say treat them last year liao.. then tat say buy shirt.. then the jack have comments again.. say treat them eat.. wah lao eh.. guys arh.. so ma fan de.. cannot make up decisions.. hate it sia.. so po po ma ma.. then in the end.. still haven settle.. -_-" argh.. sometimes arh.. cooperating with guys can die arh.. can't they just be more decisive?? hmm.. aug ending soon lo.. yeah!! am going to have my vacations soon.. one whole month.. sep lei... heex.. so happy... cos not going to Sri Lanka le.. so.. haha.. means i having more time for my own activities liao.. hmm.. am going to learn guitar.. then have to find lobang to get cheap guitars.. so hard to find... but nvm.. this time i die die also must get one.. cos i must learn liao.. if not as i get older my fingers become numb numb de.. then very hard to learn le.. =P some more have been wanting to learn since last year.. so this time have teacher teaching.. so must grab the opportunity arh.. =P hmm.. JA.. think going to have a vocal gig after the vacation.. then am going to perform.. yeah!! haha... finally can stand on the stage and perform le.. so excited.. for once can have a taste of being a superstar on stage.. wahaha.. but.. am scared arh.. scared later too nervous then sing off key.. then arh.. not superstar liao.. become clown le.. lol.. then will kana laugh and joke about.. haha.. stress arh.. but okie la.. =P the ppl in JA really cool and friendly.. having the vocal lessons aren't stressful at all.. like chilling out liddat.. everyone just joke and laugh.. like one big family.. but hope they not act act only la.. then backstab u.. if so arh.. wah.. then very saddening man.. lol... hmm.. suddenly find that my entry very long.. also donno why lei.. haha.. but think u peeps won't mind de right?? at least have things to read when u are bored.. =P not bad right?? see i so considerate.. hahah.. okie la.. enough of my buay hiao bai.. heex.. alot of things running in my head now.. flash back.. memories.. all this is indeed enough to make ppl feel blue.. now i get how carolyn feels.. she arh.. thinking bout all this till cry.. emotional gal.. well.. after so long.. i really must admit to something.. gals are always gals... no matter how strong they appeared to be.. they are still vulnerable at heart.. so those childish thinking of wanting to win the guys.. be like the guys.. are all rubbish la.. it's almost impossible.. no gal can be a 100% guy.. not even trans.. not even bunks.. no one can ever make it.. last time i use to laugh and mock at gals who are 'weak' emotionally.. now looking at myself.. ha.. ain't i the same like them?? haha.. it's pretty amazing yeah.. hmm.. i used to think why isit that gals are so fasinated with branded stuffs.. shoes.. love being with a special someone.. love receiving flowers and stuffs.. now me myself am liddat.. haha.. amazing.. use to say that i will never become 'those' ladies.. but.. haha.. now i am le la.. but at least not as bad.. =P and that's something good.. cos if not.. i will be so broke.. even bankrupt.. i really felt so relief that i am not so caught up by branded stuffs.. =P but who knows.. maybe when i start to work.. and have the spending power.. whoa.. haha.. that's going to be crazy.. use to have childish thinking that i don need a family.. but now.. haha.. i find that my family is really my pillar.. they are the ones who are really going to be there to support u ur entire life.. never giving up on u... and it's pretty true.. when i am doing things that i like.. yes.. i will be happy.. but only for a short moment.. cos if they aren't supporting me.. i won't be liking wad i am doing.. i will feel so lost and sad.. but when i am doing things that i dislike but with their support.. somehow.. things will turn out right in the end.. everything they have in mind are always for our own good... now am thinking that i am so dumb to be so rebellious in the past.. but.. hmm.. maybe it's cos of that that's why i cherish them so much now... use to hate the sight of my parents.. but now.. i love seeing them around.. love hearing to them talking and chatting with them.. sometimes i will even do silly things infront of them to make them laugh.. think after 2 yrs.. i have finally recovered back the cosiness in my home... love it so much.. also don know why i suddenly have so much to blog about.. ha.. maybe cos now i am alone and thinking bout alot of things bah.. just read a testi of someone.. in there written '... Dun nid to tink so much b4 u accept a girl. Actually having alot of gf b4 is not a bad idea, at least when u grow older, u will know wat type of girl u really wan as u experienced diff. kind of ger ger b4...' haha.. also donno wad to say... donno to comment that it's good thinking or wad.. haha.. nvm la.. just leave it here for u peeps to think through lor.. ha... listening to the song 'untitled' now.. donno why... i felt so touched by it's lyrics.. like somehow reflecting how i am feeling now.. amazing... have recently been so touched by songs.. that day watch the encore of the 'superstar'.. then hear them sing the song 'yi shi de mei hao'.. find that it's a pretty meaningful song.. really reflect the inner struggle of a gal when they lost someone.. okie la.. maybe ppl might find that i am being too sensitive and emtional.. but hey.. i gal okie.. not cos i have short hair.. abit tom boy then i cannot be liddat okie.. haha.. i also have my human rights to be sad and all.. hahahaha.. recently my msn msg.. ' am only bitchy on days ending with "Y" '.. haha.. find it just so cute.. actually got this phrase from a badge.. hmm.. till now.. i am still qning myself.. wad is the meaning of being bitchy?? haha.. i have been constantly using that word to curse and swear at ppl.. but.. do i really know the meaning of it?? sometimes thinking back.. i have been called a bitch before.. and wad's those ppl's definition of a bitch?? haha.. or maybe they themselves just find it convinient to use that word to scold.. that's why uses that word?? hhahaha.. like me la.. i like to scold females that i don like 'bitch'.. but at the end of the day.. my 'bitch' means nothing.. wahaha.. lame la.. maybe i shall try to find out wad isit that cause me to use the word 'bitch'.. heex.. suddenly something struck me as i looked out of my window.. 'how's my future going to be..' haha.. a pretty scary thing to think about.. and i don dare to think too.. am afraid that my future won't be as perfect as how i wan it to be... will i be a mother of a bunch of noisy kids that i hate most?? will i be like those lonely grannies on the streets when i get old?? will i be able to take it when my spouse die?? wad will happen to me if one day my parents leave me?? omg.. all this is just so scary and freaky.. argh.. think this just probe me to cherish every single moment i have with the ppl around me.. especially ppl important to me like my parents.. can't possibly waste time being angry with them since life is so short.. and unpredictable.. never take it for granted that u will be able to wake up the very next day.. as u won't know.. so cherish every single moment u have.. life it as if u are never gonna life it again.. and u will find that u have lead a meaningful life.. till now.. then i realise that 'gary'( a fren i knew from IRC ) is really a very diff teen compared to most of us.. wad i am thinking bout now.. is actually wad he had already thought of a long time ago.. he is of our age.. but his thinking is so diff.. ha.. no wonder i seemed so shildish to him in the past.. =P now then i understand.. cos thinking back.. i really do find myself so childish.. forever taking the blessings i have for granted.. haha.. haha.. can't believe it.. i have been blogging for an hr le.. gosh.. wad a record for me sia.. haha.. this is indeed the longest entry i had till now.. okie la.. think i have left enough things to keep u peeps thinking.. shall continue again next time bah.. haha.. =)

`iSplashed @ 3:23 PM

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